BARZELETTEZ DA SCHIANTOZ

[frenc]

Classe: mammiferi

Ordine: primati

Famiglia: in genere facoltosa



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L'ingegnere e` probabilmente il primo animale ad essere stato addomesticato e durante i secoli l'uomo ne ha selezionate numerose razze (elettrici, edili, elettronici, meccanici, ...) per poter meglio soddisfare i suoi bisogni.

Gli ingegneri sono curiosi animaletti dall'aria impacciata, spesso dotati di ventiquattrore, che vivono in branchi di migliaia di individui. Facili da allevare vengono raccolti in gran numero nelle ore diurne in una struttura in genere piuttosto ampia denominata "Facolta` di Ingegneria", e qui vengono segregati in gruppi anche numerosi in alcuni recinti denominati "aule".

Comunicano tra loro attraverso un ricco repertorio di suoni oltre che con gesti e con la mimica del muso.

Nonostante l'aspetto sono i piu` intelligenti tra i primati, sono grandi osservatori e abili imitatori; infatti e` possibile insegnare loro molte cose che sanno ripetere meccanicamente, pur non comprendendone il significato, all'infinito. Sono pero` privi di capacita` razionali: hanno infatti un meccanismo di apprendimento alquanto elementare basato solamente sulla memoria e sull'imitazione.

Non si e` sicuri dell'esistenza della femmina dell'ingegnere anche se, non si sa come, si riproducono in modo esponenziale. All'ora di pranzo escono in branco dalla loro tana e si dirigono nei posti piu` disparati, in genere nelle immediate vicinanze della struttura che li accoglie, creando non pochi problemi agli esseri umani che devono tollerarli.

Inoltre possono trasmettere all'uomo il virus della SIDA (Sindrome da Immane Deficienza Acquisita), molto comune tra gli ingegneri ma non particolarmente endemica per gli esseri umani.

Ciononostante l'ingegnere deve poter condurre una normale vita sociale poiche` la SIDA non si trasmette dividendo la stessa mensa o usando gli stessi servizi igenici. D'altra parte l'ingegnere deve manifestare la propria solidarieta` verso gli altri evitando di sporcare e tenendo comportamenti che rendano difficoltoso il contagio.

Emarginare un ingegnere non e` solo un'ingiustizia odiosa ed inutile, e` anche pericoloso perche` l'emarginazione puo` indurre l'animale alla negazione del proprio stato, al tacere la propria situazione.

L'ingegnere: se lo conosci lo eviti, se lo conosci non ti uccide.

[frenc]

"The Honest Wife"

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police
officer. The following exchange took place.

The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "

Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

[frenc]

"Parenting 101: How to Teach a Kid a Lesson" - Rated PG13

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "What is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an
opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would
be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on two million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts."

[frenc]

"Arizona Anniversary" - Rated G

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe,
four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses,
and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and
your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man
asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our
twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our
fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

[nocontrol]

Due coppie di nanetti si sposano.Sono amici percio' vanno in viaggio di nozze insieme nella stessa localita' e nello stesso albergo.Anche le rispettive camere d'albergo sono vicine. La prima notte di nozze una delle due coppie sta discutendo animatamente in camera in quanto la moglie non si sente pronta ad avere un rapporto con il marito."senti caro"dice lei "questa notte proprio non me la sento,e' la mia prima volta lo sai" "ma tesoro, non puoi mandarmi in bianco la prima notte di nozze!"rispose lui Ma lei proprio non ne volle sapere. Dall'altra stanza intanto l'altro nanetto urlava:"uno, due, tre, hop!" "uno, due, tre, hop!"e avanti cosi' per tutta la notte. Il mattino seguente i due mariti si incontrano e uno si lamenta con l'altro:"La notte scorsa quella disgraziata di mia moglie non ha voluto neanche che la sfiorassi!Mi ha mandato in bianco!Roba da pazzi! Tu invece hai fatto una notte di fuoco!Ti ho sentito sai!Uno, due, tre, hop!Cosi' per tutta la notte!" "ma cosa dici?"rispose l'altro:"se non sono riuscito neppure a salire sul letto!"

[Prodigio]

Un tizio sta tranquillamente camminando per la sua strada, quando ad un certo punto viene assalito da tre malviventi. Il poveretto sta per avere la peggio quando all'improvviso sbuca all'orizzonte uno strano personaggio: su di un cavallo nero, indossa una maschera nera, un cappello nero ed un mantello nero e sul cappello si vede una grande Z. Con la sua spada in pochi istanti sconfigge i delinquenti e libera il malcapitato. Questi appena può lo guarda e fa:
- Grazie Zuperman!!

[frenc]

"Marital Correspondence" - Rated R

To my dear wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

44 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too early
15 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
3 times "the neighbors will hear us"
22 times you had a headache
7 times you had a sunburn
9 times your "mother will hear us"
37 times you weren't in the mood
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you said you had to get up early
16 times you promised "tomorrow"

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

[Prodigio]

- Sai dove va Kinder Pinguì quando muore?
- No.
- Nel Kinder Paradiso! Sai perché?
- No.
- Perché è stato Kinder Bueno! E lo sai come è morto?
- No.
- Si è schiantato con la sua Fiesta contro un Tronky! Lo sapevi?
- No.
- Kinder Sorpresa!

[frenc]

A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam
that would be given the following day. She told the class that there
would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or
illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass
jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter
and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the
student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can
write with your other hand."

BASTARD INSIDE!!!

[frenc]

"Three Wishes Wasted - Rated G

There were three men stranded on an island. They had been there for a
very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed up on the shore.
The men saw it and picked it up.

The men rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. After the genie rose up
he granted the men one wish each.

The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After
thinking, the man finally said, "I wish I was back at home." Then,
poof, he disappeared.

The second man thought about his wish also. Finally, the man said, "I
wish I was at home with my family." Then, poof, he vanished.

The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around
and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and
finally an idea came to him.

The third man said, "I wish that my two best friends were back on
this island with me." Poof, the two other men appeared on the island
again.